Hitting the Pause Button
In the last month, err make that week, I have experienced a couple of major life changes and I feel as if things have kicked into fast forward. After several months and dozens of applications, I was hired as a resident nurse in the emergency department at Harrison Medical Center in Bremerton. This necessitated not only preparing to begin my career as a nurse, but also a move. To save up money and gain some time to look for exactly the right place to live, I am moved in with the parents of my friend and college roommate, Elyse. She also got an emergency department job with Harrison. I feel blessed to have a temporary place to stay with people who have claimed me as their fourth daughter and to be able to have a good friend who will be able to relate to my experiences as a new nurse. Two dramatic changes within days of each other. Sometimes it feels like a lot to take in, but mostly I am just excited about the next phase of my life.
As future-oriented as I have been, especially over the summer, I do feel the need to push the pause button and spend time in reflection. Perhaps I am more mindful of this because tomorrow, September 11th, is a significant day. It is the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks that claimed the lives of thousands of people. I remember walking down the stairs that morning, during my sophomore year of high school, and watching the news as the second plane hit the World Trade Center. It was surreal, as was the rest of the day which was spent sitting in class watching the news. There was a pervasive feeling of fear of the unknown that permeated the atmosphere that day and for so many days to come.
However, September 11th has a more personal significance. It would have been my dear friend Allison’s 25th birthday. She passed away in a car accident on Thanksgiving, nearly five years ago. It was another surreal day, also with memories tied to walking down the stairs at my parent’s house. I had heard the phone ring and my dad talking. I wasn’t even down all of the steps when he told me what had happened. Allison’s car had been found flipped over in a deep ditch on a farm road. She didn’t survive the accident. At first, I thought he was joking. When I realized it wasn’t a joke, I felt sick. I felt completely wretched. I remember having to call my friends, Allison’s friends, to tell them. The grief was extraordinary. I remember thinking “why is life going on?” as my cousin wanted to play board games and the turkey cooked. It was a day spent going through the motions. My solace was found in my faith though out that whole period.
Matthew 5:4 states, “Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted.” Later in Matthew 11:28 Jesus promises, “Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” In losing Allison, I felt incredibly burdened. In Jesus, I found comfort, rest, love, and peace. Missing my friend did not change, but with God’s help the weight of grief became bearable.
By hitting the pause button, I take the time to think about that day, but I also have the opportunity to think about all the wonderful memories that I had with Allison. These things remain even as my life feels as if it were flying by me. Allison had many gifts. My two favorite were her hugs and her focus on people. Those gifts went hand-in-hand. Allison had the unique ability to make so many people feel like they were important, her best friends. Her focus towards other people, her fun-filled personality, her smile made people light up around her. She also had the ability to hug not just squeezing the life out of you, but it felt as if she hugged with her whole heart .The year after Allison died, I dreamt of her often. In my dreams, I always knew she was gone and I would never fail to make sure that I got a hug from her. I think it was my sub-conscious’ way of saying good-bye, something I didn’t really get to do during her life.
I try not to think of all the what-ifs. It would drive me crazy. Though, I do wonder what Allison would have been like at 25th. There is still a void, a piece missing since she left taking her gifts with her.
