Epiphanies

I think epiphanies happen a lot when you are in my stage of life, trying to figure things out as an adult. I have had many epiphanies, some tiny and others more impactful over the last six months. It would be accurate to say that I have learned hard truths about myself. These truths, while shown to me out of love, have been hard to swallow. Mostly because, if I am being completely honest, they opened my eyes to things that I don’t like about myself and when you are already hard on yourself, negativity breeds more negativity. I am selfish and I am a perfectionist. I probably should have known or at least could have guessed, I’ve definitely seen glimpses of these, but still… I found the discovery of all of this quite shocking.

I am not perfect. I am a broken person and I live in an equally broken world full of other broken people. Sometimes in my brokenness, most of the time lately in my brokenness, I berate myself for being so broken, so hard to love. The perfectionist part of me wills me to become a better person, to be less selfish, to be more people-oriented, and to truly love others abundantly with my whole self.

It doesn't work like that. I can’t become a better person because I want to be. Honestly, it is too exhausting and I lack the capacity to do it on my own. I don’t believe that I can do it on my own. And the feeling of becoming a better person on my own perpetuates perfectionism and selfishness. It blocks my ability to be in community with the people I love. It creates trust only in self. It is a feeling that tells me that I can only rely on myself; with others it is just too hard and not worth the effort.

Here is the crux of the matter. I have a relational God. I need to stop just knowing this, going through the motions of this knowledge and start believing it again. I need to start pursuing a friendship with True Perfection. There is Someone out there who is perfect and who loves me, who loves me in my brokenness, selfishness, and idols. He desires to have a real, vibrant, significant relationship with me. I am his child. It is only through Him that I am changed. 

I've have often been uncomfortable of this idea of a God who persues me, who uses romantic language to gain my attention. Today, it is exactly what I need. I need to be reminded of the beauty of this relationship, the sacredness of communicating with my Creator.

Hosea 2: 14-23

To Start All Over Again

 ^14-15 "And now, here's what I'm going to do:
   I'm going to start all over again.
I'm taking her back out into the wilderness
   where we had our first date, and I'll court her.
I'll give her bouquets of roses.
   I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She'll respond like she did as a young girl,
   those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

 ^16-20 "At that time"—this is God's Message still—
   "you'll address me, 'Dear husband!'
Never again will you address me,
   'My slave-master!'
I'll wash your mouth out with soap,
   get rid of all the dirty false-god names,
   not so much as a whisper of those names again.
At the same time I'll make a peace treaty between you
   and wild animals and birds and reptiles,
And get rid of all weapons of war.
   Think of it! Safe from beasts and bullies!
And then I'll marry you for good—forever!
   I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness.
Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go.
   You'll know me, God, for who I really am.

 ^21-23 "On the very same day, I'll answer"—this is God's Message—
   "I'll answer the sky, sky will answer earth,
Earth will answer grain and wine and olive oil,
   and they'll all answer Jezreel.
I'll plant her in the good earth.
   I'll have mercy on No-Mercy.
I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,'
   and he'll say 'You're my God!'"

I am a Somebody, broken as I am. Loved through grace by the God of the universe. That is pretty awesome.

Hitting the Pause Button

Hitting the Pause Button

In the last month, err make that week, I have experienced a couple of major life changes and I feel as if things have kicked into fast forward. After several months and dozens of applications, I was hired as a resident nurse in the emergency department at Harrison Medical Center in Bremerton. This necessitated not only preparing to begin my career as a nurse, but also a move. To save up money and gain some time to look for exactly the right place to live, I am moved in with the parents of my friend and college roommate, Elyse. She also got an emergency department job with Harrison. I feel blessed to have a temporary place to stay with people who have claimed me as their fourth daughter and to be able to have a good friend who will be able to relate to my experiences as a new nurse. Two dramatic changes within days of each other. Sometimes it feels like a lot to take in, but mostly I am just excited about the next phase of my life.

As future-oriented as I have been, especially over the summer, I do feel the need to push the pause button and spend time in reflection. Perhaps I am more mindful of this because tomorrow, September 11^th, is a significant day. It is the 10^th anniversary of the terrorist attacks that claimed the lives of thousands of people. I remember walking down the stairs that morning, during my sophomore year of high school, and watching the news as the second plane hit the World Trade Center. It was surreal, as was the rest of the day which was spent sitting in class watching the news. There was a pervasive feeling of fear of the unknown that permeated the atmosphere that day and for so many days to come.

However, September 11^th has a more personal significance. It would have been my dear friend Allison’s 25^th birthday. She passed away in a car accident on Thanksgiving, nearly five years ago. It was another surreal day, also with memories tied to walking down the stairs at my parent’s house. I had heard the phone ring and my dad talking. I wasn’t even down all of the steps when he told me what had happened. Allison’s car had been found flipped over in a deep ditch on a farm road. She didn’t survive the accident. At first, I thought he was joking. When I realized it wasn’t a joke, I felt sick. I felt completely wretched. I remember having to call my friends, Allison’s friends, to tell them. The grief was extraordinary.  I remember thinking “why is life going on?” as my cousin wanted to play board games and the turkey cooked. It was a day spent going through the motions. My solace was found in my faith though out that whole period.

Matthew 5:4 states, “Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted.”  Later in Matthew 11:28 Jesus promises, “Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” In losing Allison, I felt incredibly burdened. In Jesus, I found comfort, rest, love, and peace. Missing my friend did not change, but with God’s help the weight of grief became bearable.

By hitting the pause button, I take the time to think about that day, but I also have the opportunity to think about all the wonderful memories that I had with Allison. These things remain even as my life feels as if it were flying by me. Allison had many gifts. My two favorite were her hugs and her focus on people. Those gifts went hand-in-hand. Allison had the unique ability to make so many people feel like they were important, her best friends. Her focus towards other people, her fun-filled personality, her smile made people light up around her. She also had the ability to hug not just squeezing the life out of you, but it felt as if she hugged with her whole heart .The year after Allison died, I dreamt of her often. In my dreams, I always knew she was gone and I would never fail to make sure that I got a hug from her. I think it was my sub-conscious’ way of saying good-bye, something I didn’t really get to do during her life.

I try not to think of all the what-ifs. It would drive me crazy. Though, I do wonder what Allison would have been like at 25^th. There is still a void, a piece missing since she left taking her gifts with her. 

Giving out of abundance

I have been thinking a lot about the concept of giving lately. More specifically, I have the phrase “giving out of abundance” rolling around in my mind all the time.  What does it mean to give out of abundance and how does it differ from say, giving out of complacency or giving away what we have cast off? Does it matter how we give or just that we gave?

When I was in Zimbabwe in February I heard about a container full of donations that had arrived from the US  from an organization that probably had good intentions. The missionaries who received the container did not say anything negative about the individuals or organization responsible. However, what I heard about the contents of the container made me angry. Along with useable medical supplies were things that were complete junk.

Why is it that we assume that because people have nothing they could use our castoffs, our broken, damaged, rusting junk and we send it half way across the Earth under the disguise of “blessing” the disadvantaged? Not only that, but we feel good. We have obviously done a good deed by sending this rusty three-legged table to a poor African country because they can use it… somehow.  I am all for sending much needed goods to help out my brothers and sisters, my African family, but I think it disgraceful to send them things that they can never use. I find it embarrassing. We are from one of the wealthiest countries in the world and yet we don’t see that we should be giving to others out of this abundance. It does matter what we give. It should be more than a half-hearted attempt to “do something nice”.

African’s are the most resourceful people that I have ever met. And Africa is full of people who have taught me about true generosity. I have learned what it is to give out of abundance from people who give out of what we in America would describe as nothing. I have seen an elderly grandmother, struggling to feed her grandchildren, give fresh eggs to visitors out of custom, respect and love. I have seen ice cream cones shared among several children because the one with the cone wanted the other to experience the goodness of the treat. I been invited into homes and given meals by families with little to share but their stories. I am in awe when I see what it means to give abundantly unfolding in front of my eyes. I have much to learn.

-A Zimbabwean home where I had a meal

I want so desperately to give out of abundance and lately I have been challenged by this concept. I cannot give out of financial abundance. I am an unemployed college grad, but I want to give! How can I give out of my abundance if I cannot give monetarily? I can give of my hands. I can give of my feet. I can give of my time. Of those things I can give and give abundantly.

Last night I helped out at a fundraiser for an organization about whose mission I am totally, completely, passionately committed. Serve the Children provides access to education, healthcare, and psychological support to over 1,000 children in Liberia, West Africa and India. Having gone twice to Liberia with Serve the Children, I have witnessed the impact that this organization has on the lives of children born into families recovering from the effects of a devastating civil war. These children have a hope and a future because teachers give out of their abundance, their time and knowledge, to invest in the lives of others. These teachers often run short on food to feed their own families, but they know what it is to give abundantly.

I wished that I had spare thousands of dollars to give to Serve the Children last night, to give a “big” gift, something to impact the lives of those students and teachers. Truthfully, I had to borrow the money just to pay for the dinner portion of the event and to put gas in my car to drive down there. I gave the only thing I could and perhaps it doesn’t have the same feeling of impact that giving three thousand dollars would, but I gave it out of my abundance.

 I gave of my time, of myself, and I dreamed of the future when I could give more. I dreamed of saving money every month so that next year at the fundraiser I could give a ton of money. I dreamed of buying dozens of raffle tickets or spending an enormous amount of money on a cake at the dessert auction. I also dreamed of one day going to Liberia… to stay for a long time. These are not dreams of complacency or cast-offs, but neither are they dreams of abundance. I have no idea what the future holds. I have a God who dreams bigger than I do and chuckles when I dream of desserts and living somewhere else. I feel that He would say to me that even if I used my imagination to the greatest extent possible I could never come close to what He has in store. After all, didn’t the idea of giving come from Him in the first place? He is the God of abundance.

 ²⁴ The world of the generous gets larger and larger;
   the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller.

 ²⁵ The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed;
   those who help others are helped

-Proverbs 11: 24-25

I am not saying I have this figured out. It’s going to be one of those life lessons that I visit again and again. I do know it is something I want to hold onto, to see where it takes me, to encourage others to do the same.. To GIVE

www.servethechildren.com