Epiphanies

I think epiphanies happen a lot when you are in my stage of life, trying to figure things out as an adult. I have had many epiphanies, some tiny and others more impactful over the last six months. It would be accurate to say that I have learned hard truths about myself. These truths, while shown to me out of love, have been hard to swallow. Mostly because, if I am being completely honest, they opened my eyes to things that I don’t like about myself and when you are already hard on yourself, negativity breeds more negativity. I am selfish and I am a perfectionist. I probably should have known or at least could have guessed, I’ve definitely seen glimpses of these, but still… I found the discovery of all of this quite shocking.

I am not perfect. I am a broken person and I live in an equally broken world full of other broken people. Sometimes in my brokenness, most of the time lately in my brokenness, I berate myself for being so broken, so hard to love. The perfectionist part of me wills me to become a better person, to be less selfish, to be more people-oriented, and to truly love others abundantly with my whole self.

It doesn't work like that. I can’t become a better person because I want to be. Honestly, it is too exhausting and I lack the capacity to do it on my own. I don’t believe that I can do it on my own. And the feeling of becoming a better person on my own perpetuates perfectionism and selfishness. It blocks my ability to be in community with the people I love. It creates trust only in self. It is a feeling that tells me that I can only rely on myself; with others it is just too hard and not worth the effort.

Here is the crux of the matter. I have a relational God. I need to stop just knowing this, going through the motions of this knowledge and start believing it again. I need to start pursuing a friendship with True Perfection. There is Someone out there who is perfect and who loves me, who loves me in my brokenness, selfishness, and idols. He desires to have a real, vibrant, significant relationship with me. I am his child. It is only through Him that I am changed. 

I've have often been uncomfortable of this idea of a God who persues me, who uses romantic language to gain my attention. Today, it is exactly what I need. I need to be reminded of the beauty of this relationship, the sacredness of communicating with my Creator.

Hosea 2: 14-23

To Start All Over Again

 ^14-15 "And now, here's what I'm going to do:
   I'm going to start all over again.
I'm taking her back out into the wilderness
   where we had our first date, and I'll court her.
I'll give her bouquets of roses.
   I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She'll respond like she did as a young girl,
   those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

 ^16-20 "At that time"—this is God's Message still—
   "you'll address me, 'Dear husband!'
Never again will you address me,
   'My slave-master!'
I'll wash your mouth out with soap,
   get rid of all the dirty false-god names,
   not so much as a whisper of those names again.
At the same time I'll make a peace treaty between you
   and wild animals and birds and reptiles,
And get rid of all weapons of war.
   Think of it! Safe from beasts and bullies!
And then I'll marry you for good—forever!
   I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness.
Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go.
   You'll know me, God, for who I really am.

 ^21-23 "On the very same day, I'll answer"—this is God's Message—
   "I'll answer the sky, sky will answer earth,
Earth will answer grain and wine and olive oil,
   and they'll all answer Jezreel.
I'll plant her in the good earth.
   I'll have mercy on No-Mercy.
I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,'
   and he'll say 'You're my God!'"

I am a Somebody, broken as I am. Loved through grace by the God of the universe. That is pretty awesome.