Pretense

I am of the opinion that we all live in varying degrees of pretense, a dozen different masks for a given day that can be worn a dozen different ways. Or am I the only one guilty of this?

At work, I operate under the pretense that I :
 1. Know what I am doing
 2. I’ve done this a hundred times before
 3. Sure I know where that piece of equipment is/how to use it
 4. That I am capable of accomplishing the daunting task of finding out what is wrong with my patient and fixing it.

Here is the truth: I only know what I am doing a fraction of the time (though much more than I did just a few months ago). I may have only done this procedure once before… or in some cases, never at all. I have no idea where to find things or how to operate them.  Sometimes I can’t fix what is broken…most of the time I can’t do what my patients ask of me. I can’t fix their physical, emotional, or spiritual brokenness any more than I can fix my own.  Some things in life require more than a band-aid or pain medication. I can’t mend your hopelessness, can’t heal your cancer, can’t bring back the unborn child you just lost. They only thing I can do, and it is something I don’t always do well, is point you in the direction of Someone who can. Sometimes I try to point you in that direction by holding your hand during a difficult procedure, or give you a tissue after you hear bad news, or bring you a warm blanket to signify comfort is a scary emergency room filled with strangers. Sometimes I whisper prayers over you as I see your fear, your sorrow, or your discomfort. It is in those circumstances that I abandon pretense for a short time. But then an ambulance pulls up and my next patient rolls through the doors in need of a nurse. I throw my masks back on, ready to face the next hurdle. These masks I am told I will grow out of eventually. To abandon pretense in my work may terrify my patients at this point in my career.  

Other areas of my life are just as deeply convoluted by years of pretense layered layer upon layer. Many of the masks layered so deep that I am just now beginning to notice them emerge. I recently started reading a book called The Cure, one of those books where nearly every sentence is convicting, thus I read at the average pace of two pages a day. There was a section that has stood out more than the rest.

“No one matures in bitterness. No one gets free is isolation. No one heals rehashing the testimonies of bad religion. No one gets to love or be loved well in self-protection.”

 Ouch. Reading that passage came only days after I sent an email saying something along the lines of “I’m just overly-protective of myself.” Here is more truth, I totally and utterly lack balance in any area of my life at this time. This includes relationships with other people. This has been an ongoing thing that God has been in the process of revealing to me. I have difficulty opening up to anyone. Last year one of my dearest friends asked me to share my testimony, how I got where I am in my relationship with Christ, with her. I told her no. There is a tremendous amount of fear around being vulnerable with others, even when I know them well. Of course, God smacked me (lovingly) across the face over the next couple of days and made it apparent that I should share my story. Where I was afraid of judgment, condemnation, and a general change in feeling towards me, I only found acceptance, love, and understanding. The single act of sharing who I really am, without pretense, was tremendously freeing. It made it easier to share my story with other people when I felt prompted, which was often in the months that followed. It was nice to lay aside some of my masks when I interacted with people.

The problem is, even after experiences like that, I forget who I am. It is so easy for me to lose sight of my identity and pick up the masks that feel that give false security. God is showing me that by living in pretense, I am unable to really love or be loved by others. I’ve been living in a world of self-protection. I have no simple solution for tearing down the walls I have built to “protect” myself. What I should do comes from a simple phase; Trust God. How can I let go and just do that? I keep asking myself, “What would I do if I started living a life without pretense? What if I relied solely on God for my identity?”

Sometimes there are days or maybe just moments where I fully trust God will my life. Coincidently, that is when I feel His presence the most. I’d like to do that more. The realization of this over and over marks the beginning of the process. It’s time to take a leap of faith. Do I have the courage to do it?

There is a chapter in the Bible that I have been reading and rereading over the last couple of weeks. It seems to fit the situation perfectly. God has a way of working like that.

Isaiah 55 Come to the Lord

 ¹ “Come, everyone who is thirsty, 
come to the waters; 
and you without money, 
come, buy, and eat! 
Come, buy wine and milk 
without money and without cost! 
² Why do you spend money on what is not food, 
and your wages on what does not satisfy? 
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, 
and you will enjoy the choicest of foods.^[a] 
3 Pay attention and come to Me; 
listen, so that you will live. 
I will make an everlasting covenant with you, 
the promises assured to David. 
⁴ Since I have made him a witness to the peoples, 
a leader and commander for the peoples, 
⁵ so you will summon a nation you do not know, 
and nations who do not know you will run to you. 
For the LORD your God, 
even the Holy One of Israel, 
has glorified you.”

 ⁶ Seek the LORD while He may be found;
call to Him while He is near.
⁷ Let the wicked one abandon his way
and the sinful one his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD,
so He may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for He will freely forgive.

 ⁸ “For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
and your ways are not My ways.”
            This is the LORD’s declaration.
⁹ “For as heaven is higher than earth,
so My ways are higher than your ways,
and My thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ For just as rain and snow fall from heaven
and do not return there
without saturating the earth
and making it germinate and sprout,
and providing seed to sow
and food to eat,
¹¹ so My word that comes from My mouth
will not return to Me empty,
but it will accomplish what I please
and will prosper in what I send it to do.”

 ¹² You will indeed go out with joy
and be peacefully guided;
the mountains and the hills will break into singing before you,
and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thornbush, a cypress will come up,
and instead of the brier, a myrtle will come up;
it will make a name for Yahweh
as an everlasting sign that will not be destroyed.